My Grown Up Christmas List
by Kibz
Summary: Not everyone is having a great Christmas day. Snapecentric. PreHBP. Songfic.


**Disclaimer: It all belongs to J.K. Rowling except the song, which is Kelly Clarkson's and Christmas, which belongs to...um...Jesus? Can you own a birthday? Never mind, it's just not mine.**

**-----**

_Do you remember me  
I sat upon your knee  
I wrote to you  
With childish fantasies_

As soon as he could do so without drawing notice to himself - or rather, his absence, as Albus had forced him into this and was sure to notice his disobedience - Severus Snape left the Christmas feast and walked directly to the dungeons.

He closed the door to his chambers behind him and flicked his wand, resetting the wards. Shrugging off his outer robes, he threw them in the general direction of the sofa and headed straight for the bottle of Odgen's Best firewhiskey that had been calling to him all night. A minute later he was seated comfortably in a dark leather wingback chair, facing the flickering flames that ate at the log he had just levitated into the fireplace.

Sipping at his drink, he allowed himself to close his eyes and enjoy the moment. Only a second later, his eyes were open again, the moment forgotten in lieu of more pressing matters.

_Well, I'm all grown up now  
And still need help somehow  
I'm not a child  
But my heart still can dream_

Severus had never been one for holidays and celebrations. As a young child they just hadn't happened, and he felt the same awkwardness now that he had in his first year at Hogwarts, when there had been feasts and balls and all matter of festivities. It might have been different if he had friends to help ease him into it, but life had never been kind to Severus and so he had been left to stumble along on his own.

He felt the same way now, the same loneliness, the same hope for a genuine friend, but it had been suffocated and pushed to the back of his mind so often that he barely noticed anymore. There were more important things to think about now.

_So here's my lifelong wish  
My grown up christmas list  
Not for myself  
But for a world in need_

These things were bigger than him. He could not allow himself to become more important than the wizarding world. It would be so easy to do; to play both sides of the war and then choose the winning one.

Perhaps easy was the wrong word. Nothing came easily for Severus Snape. He snorted; most things never came at all.

But things - important things, wonderful things - they would come to the world. They would come to all those deserving people of whom Severus had never been and Severus was going to help them come because it was the right thing to do.

The right thing to do. Severus sneered at himself. Years ago he was more concerned with himself and the right thing always involved his own well-being over that of others. It had been so much simpler then.

_No more lives torn apart  
That wars would never start  
And time would heal the heart  
And everyone would have a friend  
And right would always win  
And love would never end  
This is my grown up Christmas list_

It was bigger than that now. He had to do his part to save those he could. It would be difficult, sure, and he would probably never be rewarded for it in the end, but he would do his best to keep the Dark Lord from winning. No, he would do more than that; he would make this war end as soon as he could.

There were so many families being destroyed, so much grief in the world right now. To find peace you had to fight; it was infinitely cruel and a part of him shrivelled up and died each time he failed to keep one person alive. There wasn't much of him left now. He was mostly an empty shell, but whatever remained would keep working towards the end. It was hard for him to hope for anything beyond that.

_As children we believed  
The grandest sight to see  
Was something lovely  
Wrapped beneath the tree_

Severus thought back to the feast he had just left and nearly snarled. Those stupid, foolish, ignorant children. All they could think about was the material objects they had gained that day. Those worthless possessions that could just as easily be taken away as they had been given.

Even Potter had participated in it. One would think that he would know better, know that celebrating at such a time was pointless. He should be focusing on the war. They all should be. If Voldemort had chosen that moment to try and storm the castle, he probably would have succeeded. Everyone, even the Headmaster, their supposedly invincible leader, had been lethargic from all the food he had consumed and distracted by the ridiculous socks other members of the staff had given him.

_But heaven only knows  
That packages and bows  
Can never heal  
A hurting human soul_

People had long since given up on giving Severus presents. He had never bothered opening them. Whatever could be found in the boxes hidden by layers of painfully colourful wrapping paper and oversized bows would be of little use to him. As the Potions professor at Hogwarts, he was given rooms, food to eat and the potions ingredients were covered by the school budget. His robes and other such necessities were taken care of by the meager inheritance he had recieved from his mother; him being the last Prince, even if he was technically a Snape. He had no need for anything else.

_No more lives torn apart  
That wars would never start  
And time would heal all hearts  
And everyone would have a friend  
And right would always win  
And love would never end  
Oh, This is my grown up christmas list_

If the war ever came to an end and, by some miracle he was still alive, he would possibly indulge himself a bit more. More likely than not, however, he would die and that was perfectly alright with him. He had made enough mistakes in his life and Severus did not want there to be any chance of him making any more.

As if he could make any larger than he already had. Calling Lily by that despicable word - that had been the first major one. He had driven away the only friend he had ever had and with it any chance he might have had at love.

It was his hope that, post-war, nobody would be forgotten in all the joy of winning that would surely follow. He hoped that nobody would be left bereft of affection the way he had. The same thing that had caused him to join the Death Eaters might create a new Dark Lord out of an innocent child the way it had done to Tom Riddle, if he could ever have been called innocent.

_What is this illusion called the innocence of youth  
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth_

But Merlin knew Severus wished for the days when he hadn't known there was something better than what he was recieving. All he could do now, however, was stare into the flames and drink his firewhiskey and dream of a better world that he wouldn't be a part of.

_No more lives torn apart  
That wars would never start  
And time would heal all hearts  
And everyone would have a friend  
And right would always win  
And love would never end, oh  
This is my grown up christmas list  
This is my only life long wish  
This is my grown up christmas list_

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**AN: Okay, I know, it's all gross of me to make such an angsty Christmas fic. But I was listening to this song, and I connected it to Snape and I just had to write it. I'm sorry. Um, I'll write something extra-fluffy to make up for it in the near future, I promise. Leave a review?**


End file.
